Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Couples

Relationships take work. Much like a goldfish won at a county fair, your relationship needs love and attention in order to survive. Assuming you want it to survive. Without the right amount of nurturing, your relationship and the goldfish will be found belly up by morning.

In the spirit of Stephen Covey and his highly effective habits I have found seven common bad habits of couples and maybe a few suggestions on how to repair and salvage your floundering goldfish… er, relationship.

1. Getting too close, too quick. Whirlwind romances, no matter how magical they seem, don't always have those fairytale endings. The old "commit first, ask questions later" may have serious repercussions. If a man (men being non-committal by nature) is anxious to get into a binding relationship with you after a week, he could be running from something. Trade your romanticisms for cynicism and discover his dark secrets. If it's really love, elopement can wait a week or until those police reports come back.

Seriously, jumping into the deep end of a romance too soon could lead to the drowning of sorrows later. Slow down and take the time to reveal annoying habits and psychotic tendencies before making major decisions. Speed dating may be all the rage these days, but like the song says, you can't hurry love. Give yourself a little breathing room or at least sleep on your side of the bed.

2. Dishonesty. We're all guilty of a few little white lies. There's no harm in hiding prematurely gray hair or fibbing about that few extra pounds, right? Sure, if they don't have any effect on your relationship. But once you decide to spend every waking moment with someone, it‘s time to wield the truth stick. Telling a girl in a bar that you're a neurosurgeon to impress her into a one-night stand is one thing, neglecting to tell your girlfriend that you're still married until after you've moved in with her is quite different. Building a relationship on lies is unhealthy and tiresome. It can prevent you from experiencing real love because your trusting partner believes in something you're not.

Be upfront with your partner from the beginning. If you're uncertain of your feelings for her, let her know. Share any details that may be pertinent to the relationship such as any children, diseases, or fetishes you may have. Give your lover the chance to decide whether he can handle the fact that you have six kids, had a bout of the clap, and you want him to wear your undergarments. If you don't feel comfortable telling your partner the truth, get out and find someone you will be comfortable with. Lying didn't work for Jon Lovitz's liar character and it's not going to work for you.

3. Jealousy. Maybe she has a lot of male companions. Maybe he works in an office full of women. Just the thought of your partner in the same room with someone of the opposite sex has you turning green. Don't use your jealousy as an excuse to become inseparable as a couple. Chances are, your beau isn't going to spring for elective conjoining surgery and insurance definitely won't cover it.

This is one of those cases where you need to trust that your man isn't going to jump every woman who asks to borrow his stapler. Yes, men are going to find your girl attractive and yes, you will catch your guy's eyes drifting to body parts that don't belong to you. Accept it gracefully and don't overreact. Possessiveness is such an ugly trait and can lead to nasty breakups and restraining orders.

Allow your partner to see his or her friends and use the time apart to visit some of your own neglected chums. If you're afraid that your love might meet someone one else while you're in separate rooms, learn a few unique tricks that will surely return him to your arms at the end of the night.

4. Cheating. Survival of the fittest drives us to seek out greener pastures, especially if the current relationship has grown stale. Doesn't make it right nor is it fair to the other people involved. By becoming emotionally involved with someone, you temporarily surrender your right to partake of the flesh of others. To stray means to endure the wrath of the significant other's best friends.

So, your romance has run ashore. Before dipping your rod back into the pond, you have to do something with the dead fish rotting in the floor of your boat. Discuss the new developments with your current and fish around for possible solutions. If you still have feelings for your lover, but have some wild oats you'd like to sow, try mutually agreeing to see other people on the side. Suggest the polyamorous lifestyle if you'd like your partner to participate with you. If you insist on being unfaithful, your partner should be allowed to get in on the fun somehow. Should swinging not be to your lover's liking, give one last shot at rekindling your romance. If all else fails, move on and pull some other defenseless fish from the water.

5. Loss of sexual interest. Relationships are comprised of many phases. The Formal (getting to know one another) phase, the Honeymoon (can't tear away from each other) phase, the Comfort (finally able to say you dislike his mother) phase, and the Deterioration (why did you even bother) phase. The comfort stage is very tricky territory and often leads to discomfort. Being comfortable with your partner indicates the pressure to impress is off, but it also leads to ruts, particularly of the sexual variety.

Sexual desire can wane once you've been together a certain amount of time. You have familiarized yourself with all your lover's parts and moves. So familiar that they may not excite you like before. When this happens, the woman's doubts of sexual desirability soar and the man goes in search of excitement elsewhere.

You don't need a tow truck to get out of a sexual rut. Simply pick up a copy of Kama Sutra, grab some massage oil and Saran Wrap and surprise your partner with a few new twists. This would be a key time to reveal those secret fantasies.

6. Neglecting your partner. Even if you're married, there's no guarantee that your beloved will stick around forever. Obviously you can't spend 24/7/365 together (well, you shouldn't) and sometimes work, friends, family, pets, or a paper cut can distract you. Once you get into that comfort zone and ease back into your regularly scheduled life, it's easy to leave your lover behind. Remember that goldfish?

Paying attention to your partner doesn't necessarily mean being in each other's faces, though that can’t hurt. No, it's the small doses of tenderness that count and rack up the most points. Leave a note on her pillow, slip an article of your clothing into his briefcase, or hide inexpensive (yet meaningful) trinkets around the house. Doing something to show your special person that you don't wish him dead can help prolong your romance a couple more weeks.

7. Lack of communication. This is the biggest relationship sin of all. Without communication, you basically have a steady, mediocre booty call. You might as well point to some stranger on the street, decide he's your boyfriend, and keep walking. Communication is more than sitting down to discuss problem areas and issues you may have with one another. It's the mindless drivel and the chit chat during television commercials about music and world events.

Body language plays a major role in communication and not just in the bedroom. The way you behave and carry yourself can clue your partner in on how you're feeling, even if you're not willing to vocalize. A snarl is worth a thousand grumbles.

In order to have any decent, productive relationship, you must emerge from the shadows where you've been lurking and stop avoiding your significant other. Not big on words? Do you best Marcel Marceau. If you don't communicate with your lover, how will you ever finish each other's sentences or know when he‘s ready to leave a boring party? You'll just look silly in your matching sweat suits and be the laughing stock, rather than the envy, of all your friends. And isn't making your friends jealous the reason you started dating in the first place?

Avoiding these seven problem areas requires strength, motivation, and a little something called love. We are guilty of basing our romantic beliefs on fairy tales. The problem with happily ever after is there’s more to ever after than meets the eye. To hold on to Prince Charming, Snow White has to be willing to do more than sing with the bluebirds. If you are willing to put forth the effort to keep the relationship alive, then you'll have a healthy goldfish for a while. Should it die, don't dwell too long. There's always the county fair next year.

Pithy Personality vs. Phat Physique

We told you that we love musicians, so you went out and started your own death metal band. We claimed to appreciate a good sense of humor, so you brushed up on your "guy walks into a bar" repertoire. We’ve given you reasons to believe that it’s what you know, not what you look like that we regard highly. Still, we’re as guilty as you for checking out a nicely packaged member of the opposite sex.

Studies conducted by women's magazines over the years reveal that women are in favor of personality. A good sense of humor will surely win the heart of a good woman. But who here has ever spotted someone across the room and said, "Hey, look at the sense of humor on that one?" Perhaps these women are keeping the future in mind, when she hopes her man will be amused rather than disgusted when her tits become floppier than a basset hound‘s ears. More likely, the editors of these magazines are aware of the male readership and have slanted the results to make them feel adequate.

The tables are cruelly turned in your average men’s magazine. While women studies may be tailored to pacify men, guys openly ogle scantily clad, well-built ladies. These photos, while fun to look at, reduce a regular girl to an emotional basket case. The basket cases set impossibly high standards for themselves based on what they believe you really want. Yes, guys are visually stimulated creatures and do tend to judge potential partners by cover than by content. But well-adjusted women know that you need more than a pretty face and a tight ass to keep you coming around. That’s where the kinky sex tricks come into play. Of course, all of that goes out the window on a Friday night drinking binge. Then it’s whoever, wherever.

Eventually the cute dimples give way to road map wrinkles, but you're stuck with your personality forever. For the most part, women hope that it's a good one. If a woman intends to bed you, you must have some redeeming quality. A nice guy attitude will get you further than being an asshole, especially if you’re short on looks. Girls can justify sleeping with handsome hunks and lovable losers. We loathe men who are overly self-confident, snide, and have the face of a pimply ass.

But looks are somewhat of a factor. In recent years, men have taken more of an interest in their own appearances. With men presenting themselves in better fashions, women are taking notice. A well-dressed guy stands a better chance of scoring than a guy in a faded Metallica shirt and ripped jeans. Even if you weren’t blessed with good genes, you can make up for it with clean jeans.

It’s an established fact that women crave substance. Let's be honest, with that biological clock ticking, personality may not be the substance girls are necessarily looking for. A woman who's looking to conceive a child may be less picky about her suitor's appearance as long as he's in good working order. Those of us who are not likely to marry or bear children are free to seek out other qualities such as money, fame, looks, or sterility.

So, what's more important: personality or looks? Neither and both. As with everything, there are some exceptions. It's all a matter of taste, I guess. Practice good hygiene, read a few books, and pray that luck is on your side. If you feel yourself drawn to someone, chalk it up to chemistry. Or anatomy. Or biology. Just try not to dissect your date before you get to first base.

Meet Her Makers

In a perfect world, her family would welcome you into their home with open arms. Having heard glorious praises in your name, they would offer you a permanent invitation to all family functions, where everyone else would rave over you. Her father would allow you to sit in his big papa chair and insist you join him at all major sporting events. His mother would become fast friends with you and take you on pleasant shopping excursions. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world.

In reality, meeting your significant's parental units is quite possibly the most excruciating step in a relationship . Schedule a root canal for the following day and it will seem like child's play in comparison. No amount of impressive gifts or brushing up on family history can prepare you for this event. The one thing you can count on is that the parents will hate you.

While your beloved thinks you are perfection personified, her parents will be searching for anything to hold against you. From the moment they open the door, all eyes will be on you and flaw detectors will be powered up. After all, you are dating (and hopefully nothing more) their precious baby. The golden child, fruit of their loins, a treasure of which you are not worthy. To them, you are a criminal (you did steal their little girl's heart) and must be stopped at any cost. Maybe it isn't that extreme, but you may want to watch for land mines on the way to the washroom. In any case, parents will always believe that no one is good enough for their precious virginal prize.

The meeting invitation will most likely be set for dinner. Dinner sounds harmless, right? If you've been asked to go to a restaurant, a smooth evening may be ahead. Going out for dinner, as you may have learned on many first dates, provides plenty of distractions; waiters disrupting conversations, menus to hide behind, and a cleverly planned bout of food poisoning could clear you from any heavy-duty conversation. If you've been invited to the house for dinner, you're screwed.

Dinner at the house (home of the dominant parent, if divorce is the case) is not simply a meal shared among family and new friends; it is a test of survival. Mom conveniently starts cooking as soon as you arrive. It will undoubtedly be a grand feast, one requiring several hours of preparation. After the initial greetings and chitchat, a verbal metal detector if you will, comes the interrogation. The interrogation room appears to be a friendly living room filled with knick-knacks and photos of your beloved in various growth spurts. Take a seat on the largest couch, in plain view of Dad, maintaining one seat cushion distance between you and your love. Anything closer will receive disapproving looks. At this point, dinner will be in the oven, so Mom may join the interrogation. Any siblings or other family members will be out of sight.

The interrogation will feel much like a job interview. Where are you from, where did you go to school, are your parents still together, how did you two meet, what makes you think you're any good for our bundle of joy? You may want to edit out any unpleasant information like being raised by a pack of wolves or that you met their daughter in the video section of a seedy adult store.

Once you have satisfactorily answered all the questions, dinner will be ready. All siblings, visiting family members, and pets will pour out of the woodwork to meet you. Here you will be introduced to Humpy the poodle who hasn't been neutered, the religious grandmother, and a married sibling who was lucky enough to find someone to pass all the tests. You will immediately seek a bond with this other outsider and fail.

After dinner, while you repeatedly check your watch and give your love signs that you're ready to leave, the parents will offer entertainment. The rest of the characters mysteriously vanish. The parents drag out old photo albums with more photos of your love at various stages in her life. This serves two purposes, to embarrass their child and to test your knowledge. There will be strategically placed photos of an old flame the parents will refer to as "that nice boy/girl you let slip away" and will follow up with "what happened to him/her?" Your beloved should use this chance to talk you up. This is the closing argument for acceptance.

Finally, the parents have grown tired of you. They thank you for coming; you thank them for having you. They tell their child that they will call tomorrow. You know the call will seal your fate with them.

Can't bear the thought of rejection? Beg your beloved not to mention you to her parents. Hire a stand-in for family functions. Failing that, make a vow to only date orphans.

Love at First Sniff: Pheromones and You

You may try to beat the odds, but relationships inevitably fail. Sometimes it ends because your partner likes to wear your underwear or insists on using sock puppets as sex toys. But sometimes you can blame it on body chemistry.

Kick off the stiletto heels and cancel the plastic surgery, take a shower instead. Apparently, we have glands that produce this stuff called pheromones, which if used correctly, can attract a new lover better than any tight sweater.

Pheromone is the term for that certain odor emitted to alert passers-by of our sexual availability. The scent is released through the armpits, but no amount of deodorant can mask it. Let that be your excuse next time you forget to take a shower.

Scientists have been aware of the subliminal scent in animals and insects for years. In recent years they discovered humans are also driven by odors. Certain odors can accelerate puberty, control the menstrual cycle, influence sexual orientation, and tell you when it’s time to do laundry.

Research says the chemical structure of these pheromones is unknown. Studies have failed to determine whether men exude pheromones that affect fertility. One theory holds that simultaneous ovulation in a group of women helped in prehistoric times to promote genetic diversity, since one man couldn’t impregnate everyone in the group (though Lord knows he tried).

Unattractive women can rest knowing that she still has a chance with men as long as they have clear nasal passages. The smells of copulins (volatile fatty acids in their vaginal secretions… blech) make optical attractiveness less of a factor for males. So does taking off his glasses and stepping on them.

Insects have been using their pheromones for mating purposes for years. A female of the codling moth raises her abdomen, protruding her sex gland, and takes this calling posture for a short period in the early evening hours. Codling moth males casting through the apple orchards will eventually be caught in the plume of a calling female, get aroused and steer upwind until they find her and mate with her. Human males casting through the streets after midnight may be caught in the plumage of a female from a different calling.

Body chemistry changes as you grow older. Sometimes your pH might not be balanced. Like magnets, you’ll find that your partner’s ‘mones repel you rather than attract . I’m fairly certain that my current relationship might be based on body chemistry. His cologne is very compatible with my parfum. Once my levels change, our eau de toilettes may clash and create a foul odor, offending all that surrounds us. When that happens, unpleasantries may be exchanged and our “feelings” will dissipate. At that point, we will agree to move on and smell other people.

WebMD says: “We usually smell best to a person whose genetically based immunity to disease differs most from our own. This could benefit you in the long run, making for stronger, healthier children.” So if you’re in the market for an infertile, sickly partner, go for the person who smells like bad eggs and shoes.

Does this newfound knowledge give you the right to ditch that dud just because he lets one rip? Only if he’s over 30 and still finds it funny or he asks you pull his finger first.

Gift Giving in the 21st Century

Men, I’m about to strip you of the one romantic device so heavily on- those twelve long-stemmed get-out-of-jail-free-cards you call roses.

Once upon a time, roses were a true symbol of romance. Girls dreamed of making love on a bed covered in rose petals, to be showered with them on holidays and special occasions, or to be presented with a solitary bud at the close of a romantic date. What we got was the thorny side of a nice sentiment. These days, the rose has become the equivalent of a Blockbuster gift certificate, devoid of emotion or thought.

For many years, the rose has been the official “I’m sorry” flower of modern day couples. A guy can no longer give his ladylove a rose without a “What’d you do this time?” accusation. Even if you offer flowers in sincerity, she assumes you’re guilty of something. But more often than not, roses (or flowers in general) are passed off as gifts at the last minute. She’ll know you forgot her birthday if you show up at her doorstep twenty minutes late wielding wilting weeds.

Of course there are other reasons beyond guilt and forgetfulness to grab the nearest bouquet. Flowers are generally non-threatening. They don’t conjure negative self-imagery like boxes of chocolate and candy. They don’t raise expectations like lingerie. And they don’t dredge up commitment issues like jewelry. In fact, the only message flowers send is the one you inscribe on the card. Which is why you should avoid hasty scribbling if you don’t want more trouble. For example, don’t write, “This is a symbol of our love” unless you really want to say, “Our love, like this bouquet, is expensive and will eventually rot and die.”

As we continue forward into the 21st century, women are evolving into grrls and pushing the gender boundaries further and further. Most of us are no longer content with traditional ideas of romance. We don’t seek white knights or glass slippers, and we don’t have the time to care for lifeless roses and lifeless relationships. So, what’s a guy to do?

Unfortunately, you can’t clip this article and use it as your excuse to never bestow your girlfriend or wife with gifts. Women still require some sort of object to symbolize your admiration, preferably something that will last longer than two weeks. There are some women who still fancy a rose once in a while, but you have a better chance at winning her over with sincere trinkets that she can cherish forever. The good news is that since women are more willing to forego antiquated sentiments, you can do more of your girl shopping at Best Buy or Amazon.

While you probably can’t build a robot to satisfy your woman once you’ve given out, you can use technology to woo her. Depending on the level of your relationship, you can give her everything from personalized CDs to home theater equipment, all without questioning your motives. Burn her a disc of your (or her) favorite mp3s and she’ll be just as sweet on you as if you’d given her pink carnations. Not sure of her tastes? Give her your favorite movie on DVD and she’ll think you’re finally letting her into your world.

If you want to take a more organic approach to romance, win her over with a scrapbook of ticket stubs and matchbooks from the places you’ve visited as a couple. Or exercise the right side of your brain by drawing a silly self-portrait or write an intentionally sappy love poem about her. Should creativity not be your forte, well, that’s why Hallmark was invented.

The important thing is that you make the effort to do something good for the woman you hope to share your bed with for an undetermined amount of time. Besides, if you’re going to drop twenty or eighty bucks on her, it might as well be on something you both can enjoy. She may follow suit and surprise you with that plasma screen you’ve been eyeing.

The Secret to Successful Relationships

I don’t have to tell you that relationships are tricky bastards (but I have been hinting at it for quite some time). You would have better luck figuring the combination to a bank safe using fortune cookie lottery numbers than unfurling the relationship enigma. Still, off we go looking for the key to everlasting love. And time after stinking time our collective hearts are shocked by the electric fence of love.

Dear readers, I think I may have finally stumbled onto the secret to maintaining a happy relationship.

If I were to ask you to define the term relationship, a majority of you might respond with “A bond between two people built on trust, honesty, and love.” It’s a lovely thought , but it’s not quite reality. Two people may be all it takes to start a romance, but sooner or later you’ll find yourself in an emotional orgy. Any woman with a best friend or a mother will blow all your relationship privacy to hell. But the blame can’t fall squarely on the woman’s shoulders if the guy is a locker room braggart.

So how can you prevent your intimate details from going public? Zip your lips instead of your trousers by conducting a secret affair.

The secret romance has been reserved for those stepping out on their partners. It is often considered tawdry and illicit. But why should it be limited to the shameful and the embarrassed? Any why must everyone know that you’ve found your true love of the month? Of course, if it’s been a while since you’ve had a significant person in your life, you may have just cause to scream it from the mountain tops. Let’s assume you haven’t been a shut-in for most of your life. A quiet, undisclosed affair might be right up your alley.

Following the example of high-profile celebrities who prefer low-profile romances could prove beneficial. Celebrities frequently skirt around the issue of who’s sleeping with who by claiming to be “close friends.” And sometimes these “close friends” wind up exchanging vows in an undisclosed location. This is not to say your secret affair should lead you down the aisle, nor is there any time frame to abide by. It’s love, not a ticking bomb. Should you opt for a secret romance, you have the further option of never telling anyone or waiting for the right moment, like the apocalypse.

There are definite pluses to having a hush-hush relationship. You can take the time to familiarize yourself with your new lover and form your own opinions of him or her. To kiss and not tell can be a heady task, especially if you’ve got a magnificent fish on your line. Waiting to reveal your new beau to pals could pay off in the long run. If you discuss or introduce your beau to friends before you’ve spent ample together time, friendly observations may cloud your own judgment. If, however, you wait a year to bring him around and one of your amigas decides that she wants a round with him, you’ll have had a good run with the guy. You might even be fed up with the sap and willing to pass him along.

Keeping your relationship off the radar also allows for development without undue pressure. Nothing kills the passion of a romance like a busybody incessantly inquiring about relationship status, naked fingers, and wedding bells. Of course, those same Nosy Nancys will insist on setting you up with a slew of nice personalities and family friends if they believe you to be unattached. The best way to ward them off is by claiming to have a venereal disease of the incurable sort.

The greatest reason to have a secret affair is to maintain fiery loins and passionate encounters. Sharing something that no one else is privy to can be naughty and sexy (if it’s the right secret). Sneaking gropes, stealing kisses, meeting in undisclosed locations- it’s why adultery was invented! Not that I’m condoning that you betray your current lover by picking up with a new one. Save this advice for the next person. There will be a next one, trust me.

Better yet- if you already have an established partner, there’s nothing wrong with enhancing your romance by adding a few secret ingredients. Maybe you’ve been together so long that you behave like prudish librarians in mixed company. Let your hair down and take opportunities to sneak gropes under a restaurant table or share a passionate kiss in the elevator. Pretending that you’re having an illicit affair can be just as fun. Put on a blonde wig if it helps. For kicks, make him wear the wig. But don’t tell anyone; they just wouldn’t understand.

Benefits of Sex

If you have an email account (or MySpace) and a cyber acquaintance that feels compelled to forward every hoax, tasteless joke list, and chain letter, then you may have skimmed and deleted the Good Sex chain letter. Like all chains, there is the obligatory threat of horrible things that will happen to you for not passing it along to 10 or 12 online acquaintances you hope to annoy with your petty forwards. The Good Sex “promise” is as follows:

…Now sex has been sent to you. The “Hot Sex Fairy” will visit you within four days of receiving this message provided you, in turn send it on. If you don’t then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate and your genitals will rot and fall off.

At first glance, you might dismiss the chain letter as a hoax. On further inspection, you will find that the letter touts many benefits of engaging in sexual activity. Read on as we uncover the truth behind its claims.

Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

The Health Benefits of Sex, an article by D. Zimmer at Ask Men.com, states, “In women, sex increases estrogen levels, which protects them against heart disease… this hormone also plays a huge role in a woman’s body scent.” There is no substantial scientific research to back up the sex as beauty treatment statement. While estrogen may contribute to better hair and skin conditions, don’t expect intercourse to be added to the service roster at your local spa.

Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

This is one exercise with guaranteed results. Not only is it pleasurable, you can also burn up to 150 calories during one half hour session. “[T]he average couple engages in sex for approximately 25 minutes a session only 3 times a week. A healthy rigorous hour of sex may burn even more than 300 calories,” says Zimmer’s article.

Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

Yes, orgasms do lead to euphoric feelings, but Dr. Neil of Relationship-Talk.com warns that clinical depression is not cured or satisfied by sex. He says, “First of all, too much sex without meaning can in fact be a symptom of and a passageway to depression. Second, all those endorphins just don’t do the trick when real depression is involved.” Sex may not be an instant cure, but it does allow you to forget about your troubles for an hour or so.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

If you’re looking for a good night’s sleep without the aid of pills and darts, a romp in the sack may be the prescription for you. The previously released endorphins are hormone-like chemicals resembling morphine. After the orgasm, there is a period of extreme relaxation and a sense of serenity. Men typically doze off during this time, as women, pumped up with extra estrogen, want to wax romantic for a while. Zimmer says, “ Plenty of people who enjoy a regular dose of sex convey that they sleep much better during the night.”

Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

As silly as it may sound, this is a fact. The Advanced Dentistry newsletter claims kissing helps reduce the incidence of cavities “because it stimulates the flow of saliva that buffers and neutralizes oral bacteria acid, … Kissing is actually nature’s cleansing process.”

Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

Once again, those endorphins are at work. The increased blood flow and endorphin levels can help to relieve regular headaches. But according to a report on WomensHealth.org, sex can also cause headaches. For most, the sex headache (coital cephalgia) is a combination of raised blood pressure and muscle tension, not by doing it too fast- even though men have the higher rate of sex headaches.

In addition, sex can help to improve circulation, ease tension, boost self-esteem, and build an intimate bond with your partner. We have found sex to be not only great fun, but also good for you. It’s like discovering a cheesecake has a lower fat content. This is such helpful information; you’ll want to pass it on to your friends. Maybe the “Hot Sex Fairy” will leave something good under your pillow.

The Trouble with Love Triangles

After months of alternating between brushing up against strangers in social situations and sampling Ben & Jerry flavors at home, you've finally found the love of your life and the man with whom you'll spend the rest of your days. The trouble is, it's two different men.

Being the tip of the love triangle is a harrowing experience and much more stressful than a romantic interlude really should be. Give a guy two girls and he'll think he's halfway to a letter in Penthouse. Switch the genders and you¹re soon in a relationship relay race to the altar. The potential flaw in our gender is that we¹re easily enamored and more sentimental than the hairier sex.

Because men usually turn over the relationship reins to women, the bulk of the responsibility and maintenance rests on our spaghetti-strapped shoulders. Soon you're scheduling dates, scribbling down sibling names to keep them straight, downloading maps for restaurants across town, investing in a reversible picture frame– you'll need an assistant just to keep track of everything. Once in a while, there's a slip up and you've double-booked or asked Boyfriend #1 about his baby sister's operation when he's the youngest of four brothers. Luckily, guys tend to be less suspicious and chalk up bizarre behavior to "that time of the month."

How you split your time between the two is crucial to your survival and the quality of your relationship. For example, if you only spend weekends and non-PMS days with Boyfriend #1, he's getting a nicer, more relaxed version of you than Weekday Boyfriend. When the time arises to choose between them, Weekend Boyfriend might seem like the right choice because he's not as exasperated with you as Weekday Boyfriend, but the weekday guy sticks it out for some reason.

The dynamics of a relationship are not only altered by your behavior, but by their knowledge. Whether both guys are in on the situation or just the one you're seeing behind the primary boyfriend's back, with knowledge comes competition. Having two guys compete for your affection may double the gifts and the attention you get, but the prize is not just your heart. For some, it's just a conquest and you may be gradually phased out of his life after the battle is won.

With all good love triangles comes the inevitable choice. The love triangle wouldn't seem so scandalous if it weren't for that pesky concept of monogamy. Even though humans aren't necessarily monogamous creatures, we've been conditioned to find one partner with whom we'll spend an unspecified amount of time. But if you and your partners don't subscribe to the "one mate for every person" idea, why choose? If you can handle juggling two or more guys at once, why deprive yourself of seeing how each relationship plays out without limiting the players?

Well, there's the guilt of knowing you aren't giving your all to both partners. And eventually the scheduling and the strategic plans, the dates across town, and rarely sleeping in your own apartment become tiresome. Sometimes it's nice to have the home bed advantage, enjoy some solo pampering time, and to only have to complain about your day once.

And sometimes it isn't your choice. Maybe Weekend Boyfriend takes up with another woman and doesn't have your aptitude for balancing multiple relationships. Thank goodness for Mondays.

How to not screw up your chances for a second date

Courage. You finally mustered enough of it to call up your latest crush and convince him to take you out for a meal you’ll be too nervous to eat and a movie you have no interest in watching. From the moment you hang up the phone it increasingly seems like a bad idea. You have the choice of going with your instinct and bailing on the date or muddle through and pretend to have a good time. Chances are your hunt for Mr. Perfect will push you to choose the latter option.

First dates are notoriously awkward. It is the time you and a virtual stranger try each other out to decide whether to proceed with the courtship ritual or resort to a one-night stand. Because a potential relationship waits at the end of the outing, both parties face undue pressures. Palms perspire, hearts jump, and the butterflies in your stomach induce involuntary bulimia. It’s all part of the dating process and mostly stems from not knowing how to handle oneself in a romantic situation with someone new. Once the hyperventilating subsides, take a look at the following ways you can avoid a disastrous date.

Ask questions to discover your date’s interests and passions. Playing the role of interviewer can fill in gaps in awkward pauses and conversation lulls. If your date is on the quiet side, this will open him up and give the impression that you’re into him. Be careful not to ask too many or too personal questions. Stick to the “Where’d you grow up?” and “How many siblings to do have?” spiel. Save the income, marriage, and baby questions for later dates. Speaking of marriage, it is okay to make sure he’s single. The last thing you want to find when you’re snooping through his files later is a marriage certificate and no copies of divorce papers.

Dress comfortably. Wear the clothes that make you feel sexy and confident. Ill-fitting garments will have you tugging and adjusting all night. When choosing an outfit, err on the conservative side. After all, clothes do come off.

Keep the conversation current and relevant. Don’t delve too much into your past and do not discuss previous relationships. It is common to have a first date with someone following a breakup, but your new beau doesn’t need to hear all the gory details of the old one. He does need to hear how his shirt complements his eye color.

Be truthful. Nerves and the desire to make a good first impression may cloud common sense and cause you to do or say things out-of-character. While it might be fun to pretend to have a glamorous career or know how to drive a motorcycle when meeting strangers in a bar, it’s not such a good idea when trying to establish the groundwork for a relationship. Be prepared to back up any outrageous claims you make.

Show off your playful side. This doesn’t mean you should dance on the bar with your top off (unless that happens to be one of your hobbies). Even if the guy turns out not to be Mr. Fabulous, there’s no reason to turn all sour puss and boycott fun for the rest of the date. Make a few quips about the movie, start up a game of table football, or shoot your straw wrapper across the table at dinner. Do whatever fits your personality and will keep you relaxed.

Don’t send mixed signals. If you’re not having a great time or you know this is a one-time only outing with this guy, let him know. Tell him up front that you don’t see a second date in your future and wish him well. The worst thing you can do is lead him on to believe something will transpire between you, physically or emotionally.

Make the first move. When the date is going well and you want things to progress to a more physical level, take matters into your own hands. Grab his hand, grab his butt, plant a kiss on his lips. Go only as far as you feel comfortable and don’t tease your date into thinking he’s getting around all the bases on the first night if you won’t follow through.

These tips won’t guarantee a successful date or insure a lasting relationship with the man in question, it’s up to you to make that happen. But if you follow them, you may end up having a good time and maybe you won’t wake up hating yourself the next morning. Now that you have the date under control, you can concentrate on first kiss execution.

The Language of Love

If you haven’t been trapped in an elevator for most of your life, you know that lovers communicate in many languages. The general consensus would have you believe that French is the official language of l’amour. Some choose to rely on plain English, while others use Pig Latin to divulge their deepest desires. I prefer the tongue of the Kalahari bushmen tribe myself.

There are a variety of love languages. You may be familiar with some of them. You might use them on occasion. Perhaps you’ve vomited at the use of it in your vicinity.

The first and most revolting of the languages is baby talk. It is commonly spoken by new couples who want to express their fresh love. This includes, but not limited to, the use of pet names (pookie snookums, bumble butt, and some combination of bunny and snuggle), cooing, and the advent of nonsensical words. Minor drooling may be involved. Bring a bib.

If you and your beloved are feeling romantic, it’s not unusual to get a little Elizabethan. You might find yourself sitting with your trusty plume etching out grandiose poetry. Romantic prose is usually recognized by the comparisons of your eyes to moonbeams, a lake, or a deer caught in headlights. Remember, women rarely swoon for men in pantaloons. Look at what happened to Cyrano.

Another language you’ll be more familiar with is dirty talk. This language is usually found behind closed doors or in a Quentin Tarantino film. Nudity is almost always involved. Dirty talk is not recommended for daily. public usage. Not only is it frowned upon, but it also loses it’s meaning if used too much, like repeating the word “refrigerator.” Euphemisms allow you to express dirty talk in a PG-13 manner. Not for the weak or the story book romantics.

How do mimes in love communicate with each other? Body language, of course. This is perhaps my favorite because it gets right to the point. If you are as oblivious to subtle hints and innuendoes as I am, your partner may strip down to their skivvies before you get the point. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Body language is more than just nudity and all that comes after it. Eye contact, the “accidental” brushing of hands, seductive leg crossing are all examples of body language. In some cases, action speaks louder than, well, other actions.

Communication is an important tool in relationships, regardless of your native tongue. It is imperative to inform your partner of your needs in a way with which you feel comfortable. Buy him presents that may hint as to what you want, point and grunt, or buy a naughty (or self-help) book and highlight the interesting sections. I like to use hand puppets and shoebox dioramas. Regardless of your native tongue, do have some sort of dialogue with your love before she hands you divorce papers and takes you for everything you own and refuses to tell you why.