Filed under: how-to's
The warmer months are here and warm weather seems to bring brides and grooms out of the woodwork to get married. Watching your friends get married is rarely a pleasant experience, especially if you’re still single. What’s worse is knowing that your friends are getting married and not being invited to the wedding. Even if you are invited, you risk a bombardment of “So, when are you going to tie the knot?” “Aren’t you seeing someone, sweetie?” and “I know someone who would be perfect for you…” So, without causing bodily harm to the bride’s great aunt, how will you survive wedding season?
Go on a road trip… solo. Getting away from everyone will give you a chance to experience things for yourself without interfering opinions. No need to go far. Just take a drive through your own state and stop at some interesting roadside attractions. Go to Roadside America.com to find some cool sights close to you. Discover new things and broaden your horizons. Imagine the stories you’ll have to tell when you get back home.
Hold a singles shower. Invite your single friends over and have them each bring one gift. Trade gifts, get liquored up, and play silly party games like Truth or Dare or Spin the Bottle. If you’re feeling really adventurous, play Seven Minutes in Heaven (two people in one closet for seven minutes…) and do all the things you were to shy to do with Bobby in high school.
Plan your own wedding. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Even if there is no possibility of marriage in the near future, planning a fantasy wedding can be great fun. You can pick out wedding invitations and decorations or find the perfect location without the stress of checking availability or running your decision past a partner. Go the extra mile and try on wedding dresses. Bring along a friend and a camera. Who knows, your research may come in handy someday.
Write your own vows. Not vows of love and trust to (insert name of sexy actor du jour), but to yourself. Similar to those resolutions you love to break on New Year’s, come up with some promises to yourself, like “I will never let my mother set me up again,” and stick with them as long as you can. Or make a list of things you’ll never give up if you do find that one long-lasting relationship (“I refuse to stop drinking milk straight from the carton”).
Take some of those time-honored wedding traditions and bring them into everyday use. Carry a garter with you out to a nightclub. Approach a group of guys, get their attention, and toss the garter into the air. Whoever catches it will be the one you take home. Guys love when girls do slutty stuff like that.
Write an article about how to survive wedding season. Then try explaining to your boyfriend that you’re in no position to settle down and this isn’t a ploy to get a proposal out of him. Seriously. Spend half an hour convincing him that someone else wrote the article under your name. If that doesn’t work, toss a garter at him and give him a sultry look.
Still fretting over singlehood? Think about America’s divorce rate and sleep well tonight.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
Love. I want to talk about this certain four-letter word. It’s a word that is potentially dangerous and can have serious repercussions upon using it. Some of you may have heard about it or seen it on television. Some of your parents may have been in love. You may have already been in love yourself.
Now television shows and movies want us to believe love is the key to a successful life. Hollywood has glamorized it for us. Love is beautiful, love is grand, love can make the world go ’round. Michael Bolton says that love is a wonderful thing and can make you smile through the pouring rain. But who’s going to trust a man with bad hair?
Tune out the hype and listen up. Love is a full-time addiction. Oh, it starts out small with a seemingly harmless crush. But soon, you’re hooked and looking for something stronger. You’re enamored, lustful, and filled with desire, all leading up to the hardest drug of all: l’amour. And boy, can it be dangerous. Look at Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, or any couple on the Jerry Springer show.
Love can happen at any time, in any place, but it most commonly occurs in the spring. Mr. or Ms. Wonderful enters your life and it begins. You discover that you enjoy the same type of music and motion pictures. You find your special Celine Dion song on the jukebox at the local diner. Things are going great and there is a great deal of swooning and baby talk. But soon, he needs more. She needs a commitment. You’re lost in a moment and it slips out. “I love you.” And it’s such a rush to say it. You say it again followed by empty promises of forever. You believe in it, like the tooth fairy or Santa Claus or that the Cubs will win the World Series.
You’ll find yourself latched onto a person and losing interest in other things, like eating, bathing or working. Sure, it’s great at first, like any high. But soon you find yourself in a loop of questions. “Where is he? What’s she doing? Who’s he with? Will he call me today? What will we do tonight? Does she love me as much as I love her? Will he always love me? Will I get laid?” This is often followed by unexplainable rashes, nausea, and a host of very annoyed friends.
It causes you to do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do, like serenade a woman outside her apartment building on a moonlit night, leave the toilet seat down, or rummage through bargain basements searching for Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits.
Love has been the leading cause of marriages, making out in parked cars, suicides, and bad poetry by 13 year-old girls. But even armed with the knowledge of the side effects, people still insist upon falling in love. And no rehab clinic or 12-step program can cure it. So my mission is to prevent love from spreading further and causing even more damage.
Therefore, I propose the “Just Say No to Love” campaign. Make the youngsters aware of love and its harmful side effects, frightening pitfalls, and dangers. Together, we can save some lives and restore some semblance of sanity to the world. If you or someone you know has the following symptoms: loss of appetite, sleeplessness, glazed-over eyes, aloofness, and a fondness for Michael Bolton, they may be in love. Act quickly, get help, and just say no.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
