I don’t have to tell you that relationships are tricky bastards (but I have been hinting at it for quite some time). You would have better luck figuring the combination to a bank safe using fortune cookie lottery numbers than unfurling the relationship enigma. Still, off we go looking for the key to everlasting love. And time after stinking time our collective hearts are shocked by the electric fence of love.
Dear readers, I think I may have finally stumbled onto the secret to maintaining a happy relationship.
If I were to ask you to define the term relationship, a majority of you might respond with “A bond between two people built on trust, honesty, and love.” It’s a lovely thought , but it’s not quite reality. Two people may be all it takes to start a romance, but sooner or later you’ll find yourself in an emotional orgy. Any woman with a best friend or a mother will blow all your relationship privacy to hell. But the blame can’t fall squarely on the woman’s shoulders if the guy is a locker room braggart.
So how can you prevent your intimate details from going public? Zip your lips instead of your trousers by conducting a secret affair.
The secret romance has been reserved for those stepping out on their partners. It is often considered tawdry and illicit. But why should it be limited to the shameful and the embarrassed? Any why must everyone know that you’ve found your true love of the month? Of course, if it’s been a while since you’ve had a significant person in your life, you may have just cause to scream it from the mountain tops. Let’s assume you haven’t been a shut-in for most of your life. A quiet, undisclosed affair might be right up your alley.
Following the example of high-profile celebrities who prefer low-profile romances could prove beneficial. Celebrities frequently skirt around the issue of who’s sleeping with who by claiming to be “close friends.” And sometimes these “close friends” wind up exchanging vows in an undisclosed location. This is not to say your secret affair should lead you down the aisle, nor is there any time frame to abide by. It’s love, not a ticking bomb. Should you opt for a secret romance, you have the further option of never telling anyone or waiting for the right moment, like the apocalypse.
There are definite pluses to having a hush-hush relationship. You can take the time to familiarize yourself with your new lover and form your own opinions of him or her. To kiss and not tell can be a heady task, especially if you’ve got a magnificent fish on your line. Waiting to reveal your new beau to pals could pay off in the long run. If you discuss or introduce your beau to friends before you’ve spent ample together time, friendly observations may cloud your own judgment. If, however, you wait a year to bring him around and one of your amigas decides that she wants a round with him, you’ll have had a good run with the guy. You might even be fed up with the sap and willing to pass him along.
Keeping your relationship off the radar also allows for development without undue pressure. Nothing kills the passion of a romance like a busybody incessantly inquiring about relationship status, naked fingers, and wedding bells. Of course, those same Nosy Nancys will insist on setting you up with a slew of nice personalities and family friends if they believe you to be unattached. The best way to ward them off is by claiming to have a venereal disease of the incurable sort.
The greatest reason to have a secret affair is to maintain fiery loins and passionate encounters. Sharing something that no one else is privy to can be naughty and sexy (if it’s the right secret). Sneaking gropes, stealing kisses, meeting in undisclosed locations- it’s why adultery was invented! Not that I’m condoning that you betray your current lover by picking up with a new one. Save this advice for the next person. There will be a next one, trust me.
Better yet- if you already have an established partner, there’s nothing wrong with enhancing your romance by adding a few secret ingredients. Maybe you’ve been together so long that you behave like prudish librarians in mixed company. Let your hair down and take opportunities to sneak gropes under a restaurant table or share a passionate kiss in the elevator. Pretending that you’re having an illicit affair can be just as fun. Put on a blonde wig if it helps. For kicks, make him wear the wig. But don’t tell anyone; they just wouldn’t understand.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
If you have an email account (or MySpace) and a cyber acquaintance that feels compelled to forward every hoax, tasteless joke list, and chain letter, then you may have skimmed and deleted the Good Sex chain letter. Like all chains, there is the obligatory threat of horrible things that will happen to you for not passing it along to 10 or 12 online acquaintances you hope to annoy with your petty forwards. The Good Sex “promise” is as follows:
…Now sex has been sent to you. The “Hot Sex Fairy” will visit you within four days of receiving this message provided you, in turn send it on. If you don’t then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate and your genitals will rot and fall off.
At first glance, you might dismiss the chain letter as a hoax. On further inspection, you will find that the letter touts many benefits of engaging in sexual activity. Read on as we uncover the truth behind its claims.
Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
The Health Benefits of Sex, an article by D. Zimmer at Ask Men.com, states, “In women, sex increases estrogen levels, which protects them against heart disease… this hormone also plays a huge role in a woman’s body scent.” There is no substantial scientific research to back up the sex as beauty treatment statement. While estrogen may contribute to better hair and skin conditions, don’t expect intercourse to be added to the service roster at your local spa.
Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
This is one exercise with guaranteed results. Not only is it pleasurable, you can also burn up to 150 calories during one half hour session. “[T]he average couple engages in sex for approximately 25 minutes a session only 3 times a week. A healthy rigorous hour of sex may burn even more than 300 calories,” says Zimmer’s article.
Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
Yes, orgasms do lead to euphoric feelings, but Dr. Neil of Relationship-Talk.com warns that clinical depression is not cured or satisfied by sex. He says, “First of all, too much sex without meaning can in fact be a symptom of and a passageway to depression. Second, all those endorphins just don’t do the trick when real depression is involved.” Sex may not be an instant cure, but it does allow you to forget about your troubles for an hour or so.
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
If you’re looking for a good night’s sleep without the aid of pills and darts, a romp in the sack may be the prescription for you. The previously released endorphins are hormone-like chemicals resembling morphine. After the orgasm, there is a period of extreme relaxation and a sense of serenity. Men typically doze off during this time, as women, pumped up with extra estrogen, want to wax romantic for a while. Zimmer says, “ Plenty of people who enjoy a regular dose of sex convey that they sleep much better during the night.”
Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
As silly as it may sound, this is a fact. The Advanced Dentistry newsletter claims kissing helps reduce the incidence of cavities “because it stimulates the flow of saliva that buffers and neutralizes oral bacteria acid, … Kissing is actually nature’s cleansing process.”
Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
Once again, those endorphins are at work. The increased blood flow and endorphin levels can help to relieve regular headaches. But according to a report on WomensHealth.org, sex can also cause headaches. For most, the sex headache (coital cephalgia) is a combination of raised blood pressure and muscle tension, not by doing it too fast- even though men have the higher rate of sex headaches.
In addition, sex can help to improve circulation, ease tension, boost self-esteem, and build an intimate bond with your partner. We have found sex to be not only great fun, but also good for you. It’s like discovering a cheesecake has a lower fat content. This is such helpful information; you’ll want to pass it on to your friends. Maybe the “Hot Sex Fairy” will leave something good under your pillow.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
After months of alternating between brushing up against strangers in social situations and sampling Ben & Jerry flavors at home, you’ve finally found the love of your life and the man with whom you’ll spend the rest of your days. The trouble is, it’s two different men.
Being the tip of the love triangle is a harrowing experience and much more stressful than a romantic interlude really should be. Give a guy two girls and he’ll think he’s halfway to a letter in Penthouse. Switch the genders and you’re soon in a relationship relay race to the altar. The potential flaw in our gender is that we’re easily enamored and more sentimental than the hairier sex.
Because men usually turn over the relationship reins to women, the bulk of the responsibility and maintenance rests on our spaghetti-strapped shoulders. Soon you’re scheduling dates, scribbling down sibling names to keep them straight, downloading maps for restaurants across town, investing in a reversible picture frame– you’ll need an assistant just to keep track of everything. Once in a while, there’s a slip up and you’ve double-booked or asked Boyfriend #1 about his baby sister’s operation when he’s the youngest of four brothers. Luckily, guys tend to be less suspicious and chalk up bizarre behavior to “that time of the month.”
How you split your time between the two is crucial to your survival and the quality of your relationship. For example, if you only spend weekends and non-PMS days with Boyfriend #1, he’s getting a nicer, more relaxed version of you than Weekday Boyfriend. When the time arises to choose between them, Weekend Boyfriend might seem like the right choice because he’s not as exasperated with you as Weekday Boyfriend, but the weekday guy sticks it out for some reason.
The dynamics of a relationship are not only altered by your behavior, but by their knowledge. Whether both guys are in on the situation or just the one you’re seeing behind the primary boyfriend’s back, with knowledge comes competition. Having two guys compete for your affection may double the gifts and the attention you get, but the prize is not just your heart. For some, it’s just a conquest and you may be gradually phased out of his life after the battle is won.
With all good love triangles comes the inevitable choice. The love triangle wouldn’t seem so scandalous if it weren’t for that pesky concept of monogamy. Even though humans aren’t necessarily monogamous creatures, we’ve been conditioned to find one partner with whom we’ll spend an unspecified amount of time. But if you and your partners don’t subscribe to the “one mate for every person” idea, why choose? If you can handle juggling two or more guys at once, why deprive yourself of seeing how each relationship plays out without limiting the players?
Well, there’s the guilt of knowing you aren’t giving your all to both partners. And eventually the scheduling and the strategic plans, the dates across town, and rarely sleeping in your own apartment become tiresome. Sometimes it’s nice to have the home bed advantage, enjoy some solo pampering time, and to only have to complain about your day once.
And sometimes it isn’t your choice. Maybe Weekend Boyfriend takes up with another woman and doesn’t have your aptitude for balancing multiple relationships. Thank goodness for Mondays.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
Courage. You finally mustered enough of it to call up your latest crush and convince him to take you out for a meal you’ll be too nervous to eat and a movie you have no interest in watching. From the moment you hang up the phone it increasingly seems like a bad idea. You have the choice of going with your instinct and bailing on the date or muddle through and pretend to have a good time. Chances are your hunt for Mr. Perfect will push you to choose the latter option.
First dates are notoriously awkward. It is the time you and a virtual stranger try each other out to decide whether to proceed with the courtship ritual or resort to a one-night stand. Because a potential relationship waits at the end of the outing, both parties face undue pressures. Palms perspire, hearts jump, and the butterflies in your stomach induce involuntary bulimia. It’s all part of the dating process and mostly stems from not knowing how to handle oneself in a romantic situation with someone new. Once the hyperventilating subsides, take a look at the following ways you can avoid a disastrous date.
Ask questions to discover your date’s interests and passions. Playing the role of interviewer can fill in gaps in awkward pauses and conversation lulls. If your date is on the quiet side, this will open him up and give the impression that you’re into him. Be careful not to ask too many or too personal questions. Stick to the “Where’d you grow up?” and “How many siblings to do have?” spiel. Save the income, marriage, and baby questions for later dates. Speaking of marriage, it is okay to make sure he’s single. The last thing you want to find when you’re snooping through his files later is a marriage certificate and no copies of divorce papers.
Dress comfortably. Wear the clothes that make you feel sexy and confident. Ill-fitting garments will have you tugging and adjusting all night. When choosing an outfit, err on the conservative side. After all, clothes do come off.
Keep the conversation current and relevant. Don’t delve too much into your past and do not discuss previous relationships. It is common to have a first date with someone following a breakup, but your new beau doesn’t need to hear all the gory details of the old one. He does need to hear how his shirt complements his eye color.
Be truthful. Nerves and the desire to make a good first impression may cloud common sense and cause you to do or say things out-of-character. While it might be fun to pretend to have a glamorous career or know how to drive a motorcycle when meeting strangers in a bar, it’s not such a good idea when trying to establish the groundwork for a relationship. Be prepared to back up any outrageous claims you make.
Show off your playful side. This doesn’t mean you should dance on the bar with your top off (unless that happens to be one of your hobbies). Even if the guy turns out not to be Mr. Fabulous, there’s no reason to turn all sour puss and boycott fun for the rest of the date. Make a few quips about the movie, start up a game of table football, or shoot your straw wrapper across the table at dinner. Do whatever fits your personality and will keep you relaxed.
Don’t send mixed signals. If you’re not having a great time or you know this is a one-time only outing with this guy, let him know. Tell him up front that you don’t see a second date in your future and wish him well. The worst thing you can do is lead him on to believe something will transpire between you, physically or emotionally.
Make the first move. When the date is going well and you want things to progress to a more physical level, take matters into your own hands. Grab his hand, grab his butt, plant a kiss on his lips. Go only as far as you feel comfortable and don’t tease your date into thinking he’s getting around all the bases on the first night if you won’t follow through.
These tips won’t guarantee a successful date or insure a lasting relationship with the man in question, it’s up to you to make that happen. But if you follow them, you may end up having a good time and maybe you won’t wake up hating yourself the next morning. Now that you have the date under control, you can concentrate on first kiss execution.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
If you haven’t been trapped in an elevator for most of your life, you know that lovers communicate in many languages. The general consensus would have you believe that French is the official language of l’amour. Some choose to rely on plain English, while others use Pig Latin to divulge their deepest desires. I prefer the tongue of the Kalahari bushmen tribe myself.
There are a variety of love languages. You may be familiar with some of them. You might use them on occasion. Perhaps you’ve vomited at the use of it in your vicinity.
The first and most revolting of the languages is baby talk. It is commonly spoken by new couples who want to express their fresh love. This includes, but not limited to, the use of pet names (pookie snookums, bumble butt, and some combination of bunny and snuggle), cooing, and the advent of nonsensical words. Minor drooling may be involved. Bring a bib.
If you and your beloved are feeling romantic, it’s not unusual to get a little Elizabethan. You might find yourself sitting with your trusty plume etching out grandiose poetry. Romantic prose is usually recognized by the comparisons of your eyes to moonbeams, a lake, or a deer caught in headlights. Remember, women rarely swoon for men in pantaloons. Look at what happened to Cyrano.
Another language you’ll be more familiar with is dirty talk. This language is usually found behind closed doors or in a Quentin Tarantino film. Nudity is almost always involved. Dirty talk is not recommended for daily. public usage. Not only is it frowned upon, but it also loses it’s meaning if used too much, like repeating the word “refrigerator.” Euphemisms allow you to express dirty talk in a PG-13 manner. Not for the weak or the story book romantics.
How do mimes in love communicate with each other? Body language, of course. This is perhaps my favorite because it gets right to the point. If you are as oblivious to subtle hints and innuendoes as I am, your partner may strip down to their skivvies before you get the point. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Body language is more than just nudity and all that comes after it. Eye contact, the “accidental” brushing of hands, seductive leg crossing are all examples of body language. In some cases, action speaks louder than, well, other actions.
Communication is an important tool in relationships, regardless of your native tongue. It is imperative to inform your partner of your needs in a way with which you feel comfortable. Buy him presents that may hint as to what you want, point and grunt, or buy a naughty (or self-help) book and highlight the interesting sections. I like to use hand puppets and shoebox dioramas. Regardless of your native tongue, do have some sort of dialogue with your love before she hands you divorce papers and takes you for everything you own and refuses to tell you why.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness this couple escape from holy matrimony.
This is it. You took the blood test, angered twelve of your closest friends and family members when you announced your intention to marry, and now 400 of your mother’s acquaintances are sitting in a chapel waiting for you to exchanges “I do’s” with a man you’ve barely spoken to in the past month. Suddenly the idea of reciting wedding vows has you taking a vow of silence.
You may be experiencing a bout of cold feet, which is perfectly normal and part of the pre-wedding jitters. However, if you’re hoping for some long lost admirer to crash your wedding and profess his undying love for you just as you’re about to say “I, uh…”, it may be alarms you hear ringing instead of wedding bells.
Before your wedding day arrives and the maid of honor finds you shimmying down a drainpipe, check out these tips for throwing in the veil and leaving someone at the altar.
Take your partner into pre-marital counseling. With the stress of planning a wedding and the merging of personal belongings, your actual romance may have fallen by the wayside. Talk it out with your partner and officiant and try to resolve any issues you may have with the relationship. This would give your partner a voice in the matter and the chance to dissolve the relationship mutually.
Fake your own death. Hey, Juliet did it to get out of her marriage to Paris. All you need is a friar who specializes in mixing potions and a maid willing to cover for you.
Go AWOL for several days. Have your friends fabricate a wild bachelor/ette party scenario in which you run off with some dark stranger. While on this holiday, you should prepare your big “It’s not you, it’s me” speech or be ready to do some major kissing up when your future ex catches up to you.
Stage a diversion. Ask your Uncle Lou to do his big hula number before the ceremony. As he’s grossing out your guests by shaking what your grandma gave him, you can escape quietly in a pre-packed getaway car.
Be a man (or act like one). Go through with the ceremony up to “Speak now or forever hold your peace” and make the announcement that you can’t spend the rest of your life with this person. Brace yourself for knee-jerk reactions and the possibility that you won’t be invited for cake afterwards.
Send a note to your partner. The next best thing to being there, an eloquently worded letter may soften the blow of the abandonment. When choosing a messenger, pick someone who is neutral. Sending the letter through a mother who’s been openly cursing your relationship or the jealous bridesmaid waiting for her chance to pounce may lead your former betrothed to believe the note was forged.
Before walking out on this momentous occasion, be aware of the damage you’re likely to do and that you are willing to face the consequences. Prepare yourself for the attacks of angry relatives, disappointed parents, and the possibility of never mending fences with your partner. Don’t take any steps that will sever ties, should you wish to salvage and maintain your current relationship.
And if you do leave your former future spouse, yes, you do have to return the wedding presents.
The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.
