Romance Impaired

If you haven’t been trapped in an elevator for most of your life, you know that lovers communicate in many languages. The general consensus would have you believe that French is the official language of l’amour. Some choose to rely on plain English, while others use Pig Latin to divulge their deepest desires. I prefer the tongue of the Kalahari bushmen tribe myself.

There are a variety of love languages. You may be familiar with some of them. You might use them on occasion. Perhaps you’ve vomited at the use of it in your vicinity.

The first and most revolting of the languages is baby talk. It is commonly spoken by new couples who want to express their fresh love. This includes, but not limited to, the use of pet names (pookie snookums, bumble butt, and some combination of bunny and snuggle), cooing, and the advent of nonsensical words. Minor drooling may be involved. Bring a bib.

If you and your beloved are feeling romantic, it’s not unusual to get a little Elizabethan. You might find yourself sitting with your trusty plume etching out grandiose poetry. Romantic prose is usually recognized by the comparisons of your eyes to moonbeams, a lake, or a deer caught in headlights. Remember, women rarely swoon for men in pantaloons. Look at what happened to Cyrano.

Another language you’ll be more familiar with is dirty talk. This language is usually found behind closed doors or in a Quentin Tarantino film. Nudity is almost always involved. Dirty talk is not recommended for daily. public usage. Not only is it frowned upon, but it also loses it’s meaning if used too much, like repeating the word “refrigerator.” Euphemisms allow you to express dirty talk in a PG-13 manner. Not for the weak or the story book romantics.

How do mimes in love communicate with each other? Body language, of course. This is perhaps my favorite because it gets right to the point. If you are as oblivious to subtle hints and innuendoes as I am, your partner may strip down to their skivvies before you get the point. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Body language is more than just nudity and all that comes after it. Eye contact, the “accidental” brushing of hands, seductive leg crossing are all examples of body language. In some cases, action speaks louder than, well, other actions.

Communication is an important tool in relationships, regardless of your native tongue. It is imperative to inform your partner of your needs in a way with which you feel comfortable. Buy him presents that may hint as to what you want, point and grunt, or buy a naughty (or self-help) book and highlight the interesting sections. I like to use hand puppets and shoebox dioramas. Regardless of your native tongue, do have some sort of dialogue with your love before she hands you divorce papers and takes you for everything you own and refuses to tell you why.

The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.

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