Romance Impaired

I don’t have to tell you that relationships are tricky bastards (but I have been hinting at it for quite some time). You would have better luck figuring the combination to a bank safe using fortune cookie lottery numbers than unfurling the relationship enigma. Still, off we go looking for the key to everlasting love. And time after stinking time our collective hearts are shocked by the electric fence of love.

Dear readers, I think I may have finally stumbled onto the secret to maintaining a happy relationship.

If I were to ask you to define the term relationship, a majority of you might respond with “A bond between two people built on trust, honesty, and love.” It’s a lovely thought , but it’s not quite reality. Two people may be all it takes to start a romance, but sooner or later you’ll find yourself in an emotional orgy. Any woman with a best friend or a mother will blow all your relationship privacy to hell. But the blame can’t fall squarely on the woman’s shoulders if the guy is a locker room braggart.

So how can you prevent your intimate details from going public? Zip your lips instead of your trousers by conducting a secret affair.

The secret romance has been reserved for those stepping out on their partners. It is often considered tawdry and illicit. But why should it be limited to the shameful and the embarrassed? Any why must everyone know that you’ve found your true love of the month? Of course, if it’s been a while since you’ve had a significant person in your life, you may have just cause to scream it from the mountain tops. Let’s assume you haven’t been a shut-in for most of your life. A quiet, undisclosed affair might be right up your alley.

Following the example of high-profile celebrities who prefer low-profile romances could prove beneficial. Celebrities frequently skirt around the issue of who’s sleeping with who by claiming to be “close friends.” And sometimes these “close friends” wind up exchanging vows in an undisclosed location. This is not to say your secret affair should lead you down the aisle, nor is there any time frame to abide by. It’s love, not a ticking bomb. Should you opt for a secret romance, you have the further option of never telling anyone or waiting for the right moment, like the apocalypse.

There are definite pluses to having a hush-hush relationship. You can take the time to familiarize yourself with your new lover and form your own opinions of him or her. To kiss and not tell can be a heady task, especially if you’ve got a magnificent fish on your line. Waiting to reveal your new beau to pals could pay off in the long run. If you discuss or introduce your beau to friends before you’ve spent ample together time, friendly observations may cloud your own judgment. If, however, you wait a year to bring him around and one of your amigas decides that she wants a round with him, you’ll have had a good run with the guy. You might even be fed up with the sap and willing to pass him along.

Keeping your relationship off the radar also allows for development without undue pressure. Nothing kills the passion of a romance like a busybody incessantly inquiring about relationship status, naked fingers, and wedding bells. Of course, those same Nosy Nancys will insist on setting you up with a slew of nice personalities and family friends if they believe you to be unattached. The best way to ward them off is by claiming to have a venereal disease of the incurable sort.

The greatest reason to have a secret affair is to maintain fiery loins and passionate encounters. Sharing something that no one else is privy to can be naughty and sexy (if it’s the right secret). Sneaking gropes, stealing kisses, meeting in undisclosed locations- it’s why adultery was invented! Not that I’m condoning that you betray your current lover by picking up with a new one. Save this advice for the next person. There will be a next one, trust me.

Better yet- if you already have an established partner, there’s nothing wrong with enhancing your romance by adding a few secret ingredients. Maybe you’ve been together so long that you behave like prudish librarians in mixed company. Let your hair down and take opportunities to sneak gropes under a restaurant table or share a passionate kiss in the elevator. Pretending that you’re having an illicit affair can be just as fun. Put on a blonde wig if it helps. For kicks, make him wear the wig. But don’t tell anyone; they just wouldn’t understand.

The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.

www.thecurableromantic.com