Romance Impaired

Men, I’m about to strip you of the one romantic device so heavily on- those twelve long-stemmed get-out-of-jail-free-cards you call roses.

Once upon a time, roses were a true symbol of romance. Girls dreamed of making love on a bed covered in rose petals, to be showered with them on holidays and special occasions, or to be presented with a solitary bud at the close of a romantic date. What we got was the thorny side of a nice sentiment. These days, the rose has become the equivalent of a Blockbuster gift certificate, devoid of emotion or thought.

For many years, the rose has been the official “I’m sorry” flower of modern day couples. A guy can no longer give his ladylove a rose without a “What’d you do this time?” accusation. Even if you offer flowers in sincerity, she assumes you’re guilty of something. But more often than not, roses (or flowers in general) are passed off as gifts at the last minute. She’ll know you forgot her birthday if you show up at her doorstep twenty minutes late wielding wilting weeds.

Of course there are other reasons beyond guilt and forgetfulness to grab the nearest bouquet. Flowers are generally non-threatening. They don’t conjure negative self-imagery like boxes of chocolate and candy. They don’t raise expectations like lingerie. And they don’t dredge up commitment issues like jewelry. In fact, the only message flowers send is the one you inscribe on the card. Which is why you should avoid hasty scribbling if you don’t want more trouble. For example, don’t write, “This is a symbol of our love” unless you really want to say, “Our love, like this bouquet, is expensive and will eventually rot and die.”

As we continue forward into the 21st century, women are evolving into grrls and pushing the gender boundaries further and further. Most of us are no longer content with traditional ideas of romance. We don’t seek white knights or glass slippers, and we don’t have the time to care for lifeless roses and lifeless relationships. So, what’s a guy to do?

Unfortunately, you can’t clip this article and use it as your excuse to never bestow your girlfriend or wife with gifts. Women still require some sort of object to symbolize your admiration, preferably something that will last longer than two weeks. There are some women who still fancy a rose once in a while, but you have a better chance at winning her over with sincere trinkets that she can cherish forever. The good news is that since women are more willing to forego antiquated sentiments, you can do more of your girl shopping at Best Buy or Amazon.

While you probably can’t build a robot to satisfy your woman once you’ve given out, you can use technology to woo her. Depending on the level of your relationship, you can give her everything from personalized CDs to home theater equipment, all without questioning your motives. Burn her a disc of your (or her) favorite mp3s and she’ll be just as sweet on you as if you’d given her pink carnations. Not sure of her tastes? Give her your favorite movie on DVD and she’ll think you’re finally letting her into your world.

If you want to take a more organic approach to romance, win her over with a scrapbook of ticket stubs and matchbooks from the places you’ve visited as a couple. Or exercise the right side of your brain by drawing a silly self-portrait or write an intentionally sappy love poem about her. Should creativity not be your forte, well, that’s why Hallmark was invented.

The important thing is that you make the effort to do something good for the woman you hope to share your bed with for an undetermined amount of time. Besides, if you’re going to drop twenty or eighty bucks on her, it might as well be on something you both can enjoy. She may follow suit and surprise you with that plasma screen you’ve been eyeing.

The Curable Romantic: Advice for the Romance-Impaired is now available at Amazon.com and other online retailers. See our website for more reading and purchasing options.

www.thecurableromantic.com